“How Many Times Do I Have To Ask?”
Allowing children to make choices lets them feel empowered. Manipulating those choices is How Parents can win the Battle of the Broken Record!
Does this dialog between a parent and child sound familiar?
Parent: “Time to __________!’
Child: “No!”
Parent: “________ or you will lose screen time!”
Child: “No! I don’t care!”
What if I told you there was another way to get chores accomplished by your child?
Try This dialog
Parent: “Time to ____________!”
Child: “No!”
Parent: “You can __________ now OR you can ___________ after dinner.”
Child: “After dinner.”
—-AFTER DINNER———
Parent: “Time to _________!”
Child: “NO!”
Parent: “You can (shower)___________ now using a new (puff, soap, shampoo) OR shower later with no puff.”
The point of the dialog above is to give an example of how to achieve your ultimate goal, in this case, child to shower, by manipulating the choices your child is allowed to make. Adding incentives (a new puff, new shampoo, or new soap) make the chore more appealing and more likely it will be to get done on your terms. The threat, in this case, getting to use NO puff, is the consequence for the choice the child made to shower “later”. Keeping the consequence relatable to the subject at hand will have a bigger impact than a consequence having nothing to do with the chore. Allowing your child to make choices gives them a sense of control over their environment and works to your advantage. Choices made by the child will be made happily as long as YOU control the choices he makes!!!
For more information on this subject and how to receive custom strategies to overcome difficult behavior with your child For the Parents; Prices and Options
FIGHT The URGE
When a young child with ADHD or without is speaking-STOP, LOOK and give them time to retrieve the words from their brain.
When a young child with ADHD or without is speaking-STOP, LOOK and give them time to retrieve the words from their brain. Many people do not realize that for young children this is quite a large task for their young brain. And for an ADHD brain, word retrieval will always be a struggle. Try not to assume you know what they are going to say or speak for them.
I am an adult and this is said many times to me, "Okay, Sarah, spit it out. Get to the point!" I want to yell and say, "I eventually will. But you sitting there with annoyance on your face makes it more difficult to retrieve the correct words. I'm not trying to waste your time. I'm just trying to tell you something I felt you may find helpful."
Now think back to the child that wants to share something they think is exciting. Resist the urge to speak for her. Resist the urge to give her the words you think she’s looking for. She knows the words. When she does find them she will smile while she shares with you something amazing. And you will have gained her respect for allowing her time. Time to find the words SHE chose to tell her story.
It’s tough and goes against nature. It’s natural to want to help out those we THINK are struggling. This time, taking a deep breath and waiting is the best way to help.
Meltdowns with a Side of Home-School
Meltdowns are the worst, huh? They can really put a damper on a quick trip to the grocery store!
I, myself, have been in that same position (last week) on the latest trip to Home Depot with my husband!
Lately I have been contacted by parents about their child’s meltdowns. Meltdowns are inevitable but never be planned…Except when you do not want your child to have one i.e. grocery store, doctors office, ANYWHERE public…!
Public meltdowns performed by your children make you feel like you are the worst. You are not! You and your child are NORMAL! I do not think anyone anywhere can prevent meltdowns. However, you CAN decrease the amount of meltdowns AND decrease the duration of the meltdown.
Depending on how much time you want to invest, you can decrease your child’s tantrums to 5 minutes.
Here are some tips:
Give your child YOUR expectations. All children want to please so if you give them your expectations then they will know how to achieve gratification for behaving. Ex: “…when we get into the store, keep your hands in your pockets, stay next to me, use a calm slow body and whisper.”
Give them a Reason to behave. Even adults need motivation to do things they don’t want to do. Thus the paycheck, right? Children want to please you, yes, but adding an incentive to do so sweetens the deal. But make sure the reward fits the behavior being rewarded. Ex: "…you did a great job keeping your hands in your pockets and using a calm body in that fancy store. Would you like to go to the park later?” Going to the park is a great reward because it allows for large body movements and has many tactile outlets.
Give your child CLEAR, CONCISE consequences. As I mentioned earlier, make the reward match the behavior. Similarly, match the consequence to the crime (behavior). Ex: “…because you ran off and hid in the store today which worried me, you will hold my hand (ride in the shopping cart, put in their stroller etc.) while we’re in the next store.” This may not seem like a huge consequence but to a child, it is. They just lost their independence! And depending on the age of your child this could be devastating! Think of a 6 or 7 year old boy! The last thing they want to do is hold mommy’s hand! And for any 3 year old experimenting with independence, which most are, this is an earth shattering consequence. “BIG Girls don’t ride in strollers!”
But for any of these tips to work, CONSISTANCY and FOLLOW THROUGH are key!
Contact ASK MISS SARAH, LLC how you can learn custom geared strategies for your child’s behavior!
AND NOW for some January Home-School Highlights
SNOW SPRAY PAINT!
FAIL 1. Miss Sarah didn’t take into account how heavy a full sized spray bottle would be
FAIL 2. Old spray bottles usually leak
FAIL 3. Old spray bottles have faulty triggers that stick.
Redeemed my greatness when I spent money on new colored, child-sized spray bottles and brought the snow inside!
Playing Post Office
Celebrating in December-Miss Sarah Style
By far Clara’s most favorite activity was pretending to be mailed to her Aunt and Uncle who live out of state. We covered her in “Christmas grass” flipped closed the box flaps and “rode” to New Hampshire. I need to add she had a cold at this time so she insisted on traveling with her box of tissues. She was “shipped” by van, airplane, and a bumpy old mail truck when finally she got to her destination! “Oh my! What a surprise! It’s Clara!” Exclaimed her aunt. (ME) Clara would then jump out of the box and state that she had boogies and traveled with her own tissue box!
Clara preparing for her long journey
My Favorite December Activity was when Clara wrote her Christmas List-
For those of you wondering where and who creates the “Ugly” Christmas sweaters… Miss Sarah found the source!
…Queen Clara’s Ice Castle… I mean really, I would have given my left foot for a fort like this when I was little, never mind getting to watch Mickey’s Christmas inside it! We decorated it with festive yarn, garland, beaded garland, and handmade wreaths made from …. yup! Christmas grass!!!
Now I wouldn’t have ended 2021 correctly without creating messes…
Glitter Name Places for Holiday dinner guests
Snowman Toothpaste
How did you celebrate the holidays? I’d love to see some of your holiday traditions/creations!
Science, Sensory and Process Art
Watching Clara add the baking soda and vinegar to reach “volcano eruption” reaction was reassuring me that this was indeed a learning activity in disguise.
Volcano eruptions never fail to amaze! Even if, like me, you get THE slowest eruptions no matter how much baking soda and vinegar you use! Watching Clara add the baking soda and vinegar to reach “volcano eruption” reaction was reassuring me that this was indeed a learning activity in disguise. We had watched numerous youtube videos about erupting volcanoes. We knew that volcanoes shook and rumbled before they erupted with hot lava so we joked about our volcano “lava” being cold… until it started shaking….THEN the lava was HOT! !
I have found that incorporating Youtube videos geared towards young viewers are powerful tools to help bring a subject to life. Similar to reading a story then bringing the story to life by doing an art activity based on that book. The difference being REAL life in REAL time. Seeing a volcano erupt on a video allows for learning to be on the child’s terms rather than relying on the pictures in a book to dictate the focus of their learning. Often times, watching a volcano erupt red lava flowing and cooling turning the lava into a different color and texture could lead the child to ask more questions, develop more interest which in turn leads to more learning
These next 2 photos are examples of Process art. In the first one, I gave Clara a toilet paper tube with 2+ inch slits cut to resemble “legs” of a spider and black paint. She then gets to explore how to she wants to use it. In a Perfect world, she would use it as a stamper and stamp as many “spiders” that would fit on her paper. I believe she started out stamping then proceeded to smear the paint around the paper. The second photo, I provided black yarn, glue and googly eyes. However she chose to use those items was up to her. She had a hard time keeping the yarn stuck to the paper and not to her fingers! The act of letting them explore how to use the materials is the exact definition of process art. Its not the finished product that counts but the PROCESS. It’s within the act of exploring that the learning is being done.
Leave me a comment with your thoughts or ideas you have for process art or sensory activities! Or let me know what you think about incorporating videos into the learning process!
Until next time!
These kids Don’t Listen…Or Do They?
Todays blog is relevant to not only parents but to early educators and teachers, too. We all would enjoy playing with our kids more if we knew how to make them listen…right?
Repeated unwanted behavior? Asking time and time again for something to get done? It’s the psychological dance of the Sugarplum fairy. It’s a game of balance. Of give and take. It’s tiring and all you want is to be listened to!!!!!! First thing is first:
Get to their eye level making eye contact and body contact.
yelling from across the room or from another room in the house will get you no where. You will have to get up from your seat, probably have to squat down, make eye contact while touching their shoulder (for balance so you don’t fall over…haha) and continue with the following;
Tell them firmly but gently what you would like them TO do. Example: “Football is played OUTSIDE.” Tell them what you want done and where. Taking the time to be specific. You want the crime and its consequence to work like a lock and key. Example: “If you play football inside again you will not be able to play football outside this afternoon. Since you have already played it in the house you won't need to play it again outside?” (This strategy is banking that playing football outside while running with friends is wayyyyy better than playing inside the house.) Eventually you will find yourself doing simple, seldom, calm reminders, “Wait til your outside....” when you see them in the house about to toss the football in the air.
Repeating yourself during clean up time??? Let's assume you gave them ample warning time that clean up is coming, were specific about WHICH TOYS (color, shape and how many) to clean up and WHERE those toys go when they are cleaned up. Do they have an incentive to clean up (extra outside time, go to the park, extra screen time)? The crime must fit the punishment. Example: “The Legos need to be in their bucket. If the Legos are not put in their bucket, the Legos will not be played with for the rest of the day” Children need to know rules and rules are made to keep them safe. Be aware that follow through is very important at this point! This is where you decide if the the record player (YOU) will need to kept on repeat mode. Warning! It may get to the point when every day a new bucket of toys has been taken away. And that's ok! Your child is testing you to make sure you are doing what you said you would. Consider it building trust between you and your child. A bonus to keeping the consequence simple is that it makes following through with it simple and immediate. Both are important if you want to take yourself off repeat mode.
Another strategy for clean up is to make it as fun as you have time for. Maybe designate a “clean up” song so that when they hear it they know it’s time to clean up! For my school age classroom I used “With A Little Help from My Friends.” It was magical. The song would start and kids would be cleaning! I still encourage using a 5 minute warning, though, before you start the song. If the mess is large, maybe have a clean up playlist. They have until the end of the playlist to finish cleaning. I say magical but it took a few days to get it to stick. Repetition is sometimes just part of the job. (As both Parent or Teacher)
Whatever is not done or put away is temporarily taken away or closed. Example: “the playlist ended which means all the Legos should be picked up, but they are not. Soooo, I will clean up the Legos and keep them until tomorrow. In other words, you’re all done playing Legos for today.” A lot could happen right after you say this. Which is good. If they say, “but I was building the Starship Enterprise and wasn’t done yet.” Or, “I want to play with them after lunch etc…” You now have the choice to give them one last chance to clean up the Legos or stick to your guns and tell them they will have another chance tomorrow. BUT!!!!! If they do a good job with another chore or with listening MAYBE the Legos could come out after dinner? The point of adding that last part in is not because you are weak or folding…it’s so the child still knows there is some reason for him to make the right choice and listen. If you take away the one thing he wants and he doesn’t have the option of getting it back than what’s the point of listening to you, at all, for the rest of the day? The important thing is you stick to your word. Do not be wishy washy. But also don’t shoot yourself in the foot. If your consequence to an unwanted behavior is taking away screen time, be prepared to have that child in your face while you are trying to make the bed, work from home, or make a phone call. NEVER take away the respite you have! USE that screen time as an incentive, not a consequence. Example: “You listened to me the first time I asked! You can play 10 minutes more on the IPAD, today.”
There is a ton of information here. I apologize. It’s difficult to pick one subject like this when there are so many variables. I am thinking it might be helpful if I held a 1 hour Q+A session via Zoom? I’d love to get your feedback on that idea below in the comments!
Until next time!
Separation Anxiety
So you want to be able to de-tach from your child from time-to-time? OH!! but with OUT the last vision of him/her wailing with tears and boogies streaking their face?! Than allow me to give you some tips!!