These kids Don’t Listen…Or Do They?
Todays blog is relevant to not only parents but to early educators and teachers, too. We all would enjoy playing with our kids more if we knew how to make them listen…right?
Repeated unwanted behavior? Asking time and time again for something to get done? It’s the psychological dance of the Sugarplum fairy. It’s a game of balance. Of give and take. It’s tiring and all you want is to be listened to!!!!!! First thing is first:
Get to their eye level making eye contact and body contact.
yelling from across the room or from another room in the house will get you no where. You will have to get up from your seat, probably have to squat down, make eye contact while touching their shoulder (for balance so you don’t fall over…haha) and continue with the following;
Tell them firmly but gently what you would like them TO do. Example: “Football is played OUTSIDE.” Tell them what you want done and where. Taking the time to be specific. You want the crime and its consequence to work like a lock and key. Example: “If you play football inside again you will not be able to play football outside this afternoon. Since you have already played it in the house you won't need to play it again outside?” (This strategy is banking that playing football outside while running with friends is wayyyyy better than playing inside the house.) Eventually you will find yourself doing simple, seldom, calm reminders, “Wait til your outside....” when you see them in the house about to toss the football in the air.
Repeating yourself during clean up time??? Let's assume you gave them ample warning time that clean up is coming, were specific about WHICH TOYS (color, shape and how many) to clean up and WHERE those toys go when they are cleaned up. Do they have an incentive to clean up (extra outside time, go to the park, extra screen time)? The crime must fit the punishment. Example: “The Legos need to be in their bucket. If the Legos are not put in their bucket, the Legos will not be played with for the rest of the day” Children need to know rules and rules are made to keep them safe. Be aware that follow through is very important at this point! This is where you decide if the the record player (YOU) will need to kept on repeat mode. Warning! It may get to the point when every day a new bucket of toys has been taken away. And that's ok! Your child is testing you to make sure you are doing what you said you would. Consider it building trust between you and your child. A bonus to keeping the consequence simple is that it makes following through with it simple and immediate. Both are important if you want to take yourself off repeat mode.
Another strategy for clean up is to make it as fun as you have time for. Maybe designate a “clean up” song so that when they hear it they know it’s time to clean up! For my school age classroom I used “With A Little Help from My Friends.” It was magical. The song would start and kids would be cleaning! I still encourage using a 5 minute warning, though, before you start the song. If the mess is large, maybe have a clean up playlist. They have until the end of the playlist to finish cleaning. I say magical but it took a few days to get it to stick. Repetition is sometimes just part of the job. (As both Parent or Teacher)
Whatever is not done or put away is temporarily taken away or closed. Example: “the playlist ended which means all the Legos should be picked up, but they are not. Soooo, I will clean up the Legos and keep them until tomorrow. In other words, you’re all done playing Legos for today.” A lot could happen right after you say this. Which is good. If they say, “but I was building the Starship Enterprise and wasn’t done yet.” Or, “I want to play with them after lunch etc…” You now have the choice to give them one last chance to clean up the Legos or stick to your guns and tell them they will have another chance tomorrow. BUT!!!!! If they do a good job with another chore or with listening MAYBE the Legos could come out after dinner? The point of adding that last part in is not because you are weak or folding…it’s so the child still knows there is some reason for him to make the right choice and listen. If you take away the one thing he wants and he doesn’t have the option of getting it back than what’s the point of listening to you, at all, for the rest of the day? The important thing is you stick to your word. Do not be wishy washy. But also don’t shoot yourself in the foot. If your consequence to an unwanted behavior is taking away screen time, be prepared to have that child in your face while you are trying to make the bed, work from home, or make a phone call. NEVER take away the respite you have! USE that screen time as an incentive, not a consequence. Example: “You listened to me the first time I asked! You can play 10 minutes more on the IPAD, today.”
There is a ton of information here. I apologize. It’s difficult to pick one subject like this when there are so many variables. I am thinking it might be helpful if I held a 1 hour Q+A session via Zoom? I’d love to get your feedback on that idea below in the comments!
Until next time!